(I just resposted this from my myspace blog before one of you punks has the chance to "nudge" me.)
I turned on the TV last night and the Golden Globes were on and I like scoff and roll my eyes.... and my internal dialogue went something like:
"The Golden Globes! How lame. I'm not gonna wa.... OOO! Drew Barrymore in a tight dress. Damn girl! OHH!! Natalie Portman! Wow, you really are the new Audrey Hepburn.... I'm going to grab some chips and Salsa and watch the golden globes."
Yeah, so I suddenly became a gay man... well, aside from the part where the only thing I noticed about Drew's dress was that it was tight... but aside from that... And feel free to insert your own Drew's breasts = Golden Globes here. I'm above such a joke -just not above suggesting there is a joke in there.
Okay so, on to random commentary and observations I made about this illustrious and over-hyped event:
* Ron Howard is still bald.
* Johnny Depp is still cool.
* George Clooney is a good looking man. Much more so now than in the ER days.
* I don't want to see Clint Eastwood wearing velour -especially a velour bow tie.
* Something about Matt Dillon is just sorta creepy.
* Mariah Carey has a monkey face (not in a good way).
* Sarah-Jessica Parker has a horse face (which is never in a good way -unless you're actually a horse)
* Hooray for Steve Carell.
(and while I love Steve Carell. There was really no reason to remake the UK Office)
* There should've been much more braless Drew in the tight dress and Natalie Portman...
* I like that Reese Witherspoon. She seems sweet. (plus she was hilarious in the dark comedy "Freeway")
* I like Joaquin Phoenix and Johnny Cash. Although that Joaquin is an odd duck.
* I wonder who's richer, the Weinstein Brothers or the Olsen Twins...
* Russell Crowe is all man. I mean that in the best and worst possible way. Even in a fancy suit he looks like he should be smoking a Marlboro and chugging an oil can of Fosters.
* Oh, Paris Hilton was there. What a shock. Listen people... What if we collectively get together as a planet and just all agree to stop paying any attention to her and pretend she doesn't exist. I predict world peace will follow.
* Melanie Griffith is one plastic sugery away from being Amanda LePore (who is a transexual model.. or something. You can click the link or google him/her to get the joke)
* The only way you can tell Jason Lee is a famous actor and not an actual redneck -perfect teeth.
* Terrence Howard looked all suave like the new Billy Dee Williams.
* Tim Robbins is a tool. He was at the Pixies reunion show in NYC and someone said to him "Hey Mr. Sarandon" and he got all miffed. Self-important much?
* Jeremy Piven has always been funny and charming but when did he become suave? Also his receding hairline hasn't receded in 10 years. What's his secret?
* I like Kate Winslet much better than Renee Zellwegger. As to why I compare them... I dunno. I think every movie with Renee would have been better with Kate. Renee always seems to look like she just finished a three hour crying jag.
* Although I've never seen Desperate Housewives or Weeds (or Lost for that matter) I'm still glad Mary-Louise Parker won! She's sweet. Those damn Housewives seem to think they're hot shit.
* Also the first hack journalist who makes a "Lost - won" play on words should be executed... cause you know it'll happen.
* Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is HOT! (I swear, I'm totally straight but c'mon!)
* Scarlett Johansson is hot but seems to have the personality of an aluminum folding chair with gum stuck to it.
* Linda "Lindsey Weir/Velma" Cardellini has BLONDE hair now?! NO, Linda! NO!!
* Where was Jake "Donnie Darko/The gay cowboy who's not Heath Ledger" Gyllenhaal?
* Did I mention Drew Barrymore's breasts? Did I mention Johnny Depp is COOL?
That's all I got folks. I don't want to hear that I mispelled someone's name. What kinda thanks is that for entertaining you with such great comedy... Okay maybe not "great" per se but certainly funnier than David Spade. Feel free to send pics of Drew though.